Right Now, Time, and Torn

Right now I am sitting in an internet cafe in Jaco, waiting to have a meeting with a guy named Cesar so I can get some t-shirts and beer coozies in the bar. I feel, more than anything, cool. I'm spoiling myself in AC, and I'll probably regret it later. But BOY does it feel good. I also feel suspicious. Are the girls behind the counter laughing because they know something I don't?

I had an interesting experience last night as I was talking with a friend after dinner. For the first time, I saw time in a totally new way. And I am going to try to explain it, in spite of it being a little strange. I saw the present as the sum as my memory of the past, my observation of the present, and my view of the future. It was as if I was seeing an entire movie in just one instant. And the next instant, there was a whole new movie, a whole new past, present, and future. I think it was spurred by really recognizing that the past, present, and future are all just illusions. They are all just the way I view them or intrepret them. And each second they all change, and a whole new movie starts (and ends!). It was as if there is no past and no future, they only exist in this instant, and then they are gone as soon as this instant is gone. It was cool. Strange, but very cool. A cow walked by on the road a moment later, and I knew his future, at least his future in that particular instantaneous movie, because it was whatever I thought it would be. And my knowledge of his future in that instant was just as valid as my knowledge of his present, which is just as valid as my knowledge of his past. Which, in a way, isn't actually real. It's all just the way I imagine it. Strange.

I've found myself again in conflict. Two sides of me pulling in three different directions. First is this very tranquilo all loving "spiritual" side. It finds beauty and ease. It laughs and loves and forgives and accepts - everything. It prefers to be unattached to everything. It claims to be open to the real reality, and the opening of this reality will free it from the unknown. It claims to be fearless, too, not even of death. It perhaps believes happiness is just loving one's self, or freeing one's self, or accepting the world. It's influenced by de Mello, Byron Katie, Tolle, and the like, so it's not quite original, but it comes up with some really interesting revelations from time to time. It feels true. It feels right. But then there's my other side, that creeps in sometimes late at night, sometimes early in the morning, sometimes in the middle of the day.

My other side, which my "spiritual" side labels my ego, or my programming, or my dark side, or my patterns, is quite convincing. It has a lot of weapons. While the spiritual side uses mystics, meditation, beauty, and laughter, my ego tends to rely on emotions (sadness, fear, infactuation, lonliness, sentimentality) as its weapons. It uses my memory in its defense, and remembers the wonderful times we had with Kris, the cats, the dog, Neil, Megan, and all of our other sweet sweet friends. It uses memories of cruising in the Caribe, skiing in Aspen, thick steaks at the Boulevard. It has behind it all of these wonderful, sweet, loving memories. And if the sentimentality isn't working on my ego's behalf, than it turns in the other direction. Still fighting on the same side, it uses memories of popularity, power, drugs, fast cars, rock star lifestyles that I maybe only tasted briefly in a few places here and there. This morning I felt anger, which I have started to feel from time to time again, and my god, it actually felt good. I actually liked it. I missed it. Or maybe I didn't, but when I felt it again, it felt almost like a relief. So, ¿what in the hell is up with that? (This keyboard is the first tico keyboard I have used, and it has the upside-down question mark, and so I wanted to use it.) (And the apostrophe is in the wrong place, 'cause they never use apostrophes, so that's weird, and the spell check on this computer doesn't work so I don't know how to spell apostrophe.)

So, here I am questioning. I miss Neil. Not just Neil, but in a way, he kinda represents that whole other life, with or without him in it. Neil, for those of you that don't know, was a close friend before he started using a lot of heroine and started beating his wife. No, that's not true. He's a close friend that I've lived with in three states over the past 10 years. He's married to Megan, and they are expecting, and she does a good job at hiding the bruises. They live in Oklahoma City by Lake Hefner, where I once taught sailing lessons to kids when I... enough. Perhaps I identify that former me as being Neil, in a way. He's perhaps the reminder, a reference point for where that life might have been going. Kris doesn't work as a reference point because her life changed too much when we broke up for me to use it as a "could be there." Of course, my spiritual side recognizes that nothing could have happened differently, because it didn't. Things can not be different today because they are not. So there's never really any regret, there's never any should have. It's more of a pull back today.

And I think it stems from this: ¿which is actually real? ¡Ha! I love Spanish and its crazy upside-downedness. But seriously, who's deluded? Is there a life with love, acceptance, happiness, all in any circumstance? Is the pain and suffering coming from a delusion that things should be different, as if they COULD? -OR- Am I deluding myself into thinking that everything is okay as it is? Am I shielding myself from the truth that things are not perfect, that they could be different, and I should fucking do something about it? Who's the crazy one: the one who is happy or the one who suffers? And does it matter? I guess I know at least one of me is crazy. The other one is fine, I'm sure, in spite of the fact that it believes there are two of me.

And I'm off to order some t-shirts from Cesar. What are those girls LAUGHING about?