Right Now - 30/7/09 12:30 PM

Still in Costa.  Actually at the bar again.  No more internet at the house where I was staying, so I have to sign in here or at the Soda.  

I just got out of the waves on a pretty small and disorganized day.  I have hardly been surfing at all lately.  I figured I'd ONLY be surfing these days.  Surfing and laying in hammocks, perhaps reading.  But instead I am socializing.  I'm out and about.  I'm drinking and playing.  And I'm feeling crappy.  

I think I feel I've alienated myself.  I feel like I have been someone else, or maybe myself, over the past few weeks and generally have been unlikable.  I don't feel likable.  I don't really like myself right now.  Well, really I just haven't liked myself lately.  Now I'm pretty cool with myself.  Strange.  Not sure what that's all about.  

I think I'm falling back into old patterns, old habits, my old self.  Even the way I put that, though, seems pretty judgmental.  I haven't been very easy on myself, I've certainly been taking life too seriously, and I've been viewing myself through other people's eyes, feeding my ego instead of cultivating my self.  I think it's about time to stop that.  But it's hard!  It's hard to stay here in Oeste instead of going to Hermosa and meeting up with friends or meet new people who are there now for the world championship of surfing.  

Perhaps I am just uncomfortable.  I've found it actually pretty difficult to just be for a little bit.  I feel uneasy just hanging out, as if there is some sort of time constraint on life and I am not accomplishing what I should be in the amount of time given.  

So, combine that with me basically being a dick lately, and I guess I feel guilty.  I feel ashamed.  I feel very not me.  I'm going to stop doing that.  I'm not okay with it.  

On some good news... I have a lot of options these days.  Trevor and Sarah came down to visit for a day or two.  Trevor has offered me a job in Colombia, which immediately sounds attractive because, well, it's in Colombia.  Which is where I was born.  The job is in telecommunications, which is perfect for me, because I learned a lot about telecommunications while I was studying to become an astronaut after receiving my license in brain surgery a decade or two ago.  But, it would have me living in the mountains.  Not at the beach.  And I love the beach.  So does Jake.  But Colombia does start with a C.  And C is good enough for me.  Plus, I would make more money.  And with that money, I could avoid having to sell my leg for smack.  

I've got some things working here too, which seem ideal.  But still want to take a month off and travel.  I think I'll buy a car (I'll have to sell my leg for that too) so Jake can come with me.  Of course, then we'll only have one leg left to sell for food (or smack). 

So, I'm going to eat some chicken wings and do some jumping jacks.  That should be helpful.  Oh, by the way, I wasn't born in Colombia.  But my passport says I was.  That leads to some fun sometimes on borders.

Cassandra

So, there are three girls in town who have ended up here on the central Pacific coast of Costa Rica after spending the last five months traveling all over the world - from Bali to Europe to Africa.  All of them are cool as shit.  Three nights ago, though, one, Cassandra, decided late night to pick up a guitar being played by a friend and sing.  And it was incredible.  Absolutely incredible.  I fell in love. 

The next day we stole her from her friends, who didn't want to come from Hermosa to Oeste two nights in a row, and brought her to the Soda Mary where Brett was serving homemade chile and live local music.  Cassie and I headed down to the Soda around 6:30.  After a bowl or two of freakin deliciousness, people started picking up instruments.  Lead largely by Cooper, who they say come from the band Blood Sweat and Tears, the town lit up.  Shannon on the acoustic guitar, Beau on the bass, Legend Mike on the harmonica, backed up Cooper, whose voice seems to penetrate walls and gives the air of a true concert hall in the open setting at the Soda.  

And then Cassie joined in.  And I can't even express how sweet, soulful, powerful, and alive her voice is.  And Cassie's sweet highs mixed with Cooper's solid lows was literally world class.  As Jeni put it, it appeared that there were little tiny pink cartoon hearts popping all around me and Lee as Cassie's lyrics penetrated our souls.  And it WAS like that.  Little pink cartoon hearts and all.  Just like in the movie "One Crazy Summer."  (By the way, Jeni hasn't seen One Crazy Summer, where John Cusack plays a cartoonist falling in love with a singer, Cassandra!, and draws a cartoon image of himself falling in love with little pink hearts bursting all around him.)

But there was so much more there than Cassie.  The town, at least that little corner, overflowed with love.  The smiles, the laughs, the music, the chile... It all added to just a superb sensation that I hadn't felt in a little while here.  A night that I will remember, for sure.  And, of course, it was a Tuesday.  

Nicaragua - Take 2

So, got back from Nicaragua a couple of days ago.  Our purpose was really just to get her a passport stamp, so there wasn't much pressure.  This trip was particularly relaxing.  Not a whole lot of doing, which is really nice these days.  

We started off our first night in San Juan del Sur, where I have been before.  We really wanted to go to the island of Ometepe, but couldn't make the last ferry on the first night, so settled for a cab ride into SJdS, where we had a really nice dinner on the beach and stayed at the Hotel El Puerto.  After a mediocre breakfast the next morning at the famous "Big Wave Dave's", we negotiated a taxi back to Rivas to catch the ferry for Ometepe.  

Side notes:  I love negotiating here.  Everything is negotiable, and it's generally pretty fun with low consequences for failure.  For the cab ride back to Rivas, though, I was tired and didn't feel like negotiating after being offered a pretty fair price for the ride at the onset.  Ashley wouldn't have it though, and told me I have to haggle.  It reminded me of Monty Python's "Life of Brian," where Brian was comfortable with the asking price, but the vendor wouldn't let him go without haggling.  In any event, as we almost got into the cab, I reneged on my agreement to price, offered 20% less, and as other cab drivers closed in hoping for a rebound, our driver reluctantly accepted quickly to ensure he didn't lose the fare.  Sometimes it's really easy.  

Also:  Ometepe is a freaking awesome place.  It's an island in the middle of the enormous fresh water Lake Nicaragua, and is comprised of simply two volcanoes and the lowlands formed by years of weathering.  It's truly a unique and very special island.  

Back to the trip though.  Ashley and I, after taking an hour ride on an old wooden ferry hardly worthy of Lake Hefner, negotiated a ride with six new friends we found also trying to negotiate.  We headed for Santo Domingo, which is more or less on the beach in between the two volcanoes.  We spent the next couple of days relaxing in hammocks, swimming in the lake, playing gin rummy, and drinking rum.  We stayed in a place called Buena Vista, which was more or less a super cheap hotel with a lot of hammocks.  The rooms could easy be confused with rooms of a monastery, or of a crack house.  I could envision a monk laying down to bed surrounded by the bar brick walls or a prostitute laying back after a hit (is that what they're called?) of heroin supplied by her pimp.  In any event, it felt perfect.  And it was.  Christmas themed sheets and tarantulas and all.  We managed a zip line outing, but other than that, did almost nothing.  Sweet. 

If anyone does make it to Ometepe, I would highly recommend the Buena Vista.  But don't eat there.  Trust me.  Eat at Julia's, just a 30 meter walk from the Buena Vista.  It's a tiny thatched hut with huge portions and good, typical flavor.   

After a couple of days, we made our way back.  Slowly.  A wreck on the highway delayed us several hours, and it took us, all told, 13 hours to make it from Santo Domingo to Jaco, which is about 140 miles as the crow flies.  

Like any trip, it seems the best part is coming home.  It's good to be back.  Might be nicer if I actually had a home, though.  Maybe someday.  

Finally Over MJ

Well, it's taken me about a month, but I'm finally through grieving process.  I've accepted that MJ is gone, and it's time to get on with my life.  Of course, this blog has a lot of catching up to do, so I am going to do my best to, well, catch up.  And catch up quickly...

So, here's some bullets:

• Had my last day at work.  Not that big of a deal actually.  Felt good.  Didn't have many emotions about it all, actually.  And now I am officially retired. 
• Went home to meet my nephew, Ryan, and see friends and family.  My brother, being the protective parent that he is, didn't let me see Ryan for a couple of days after my flight to make sure I didn't bring home some mysterious bug that could cause Ryan to turn out, well, like me.  And we couldn't have that.  But once I did get to meet him, WOW.  He's like a peanut with arms and legs.  And I fell in love.  I actually had tears in my eyes while holding him,  and I can't tell you why.  He is magical.  
• Neil is still not doing heroin or beating his wife.  It was wonderful to see so many friends again.  Some quick highlights:  Terry's girlfriend rocks; I creamed Neil and Aaron in Golden Tee while sipping some Manhattans (Aaron closed his liquor store to go play a round for old time sake); Mom, Dad, Step-dad, new Step-mom (and now step-grandmother), sons, Sister-in-Law, and nephew all in the same place at the same time without any karate chops; hitting the old spots with Doug; awesomeness with so many great friends.  It was honestly wonderful.  But, here's the thing, I had actually expected to feel a strong draw that might bring me back home.  As wonderful as it was to go home, though, I felt completely at ease.  It felt comfortable.  And in some way, only comfortable.  I felt like I had left the week before, not nine months. If anything, I think I realized that I am not moving back to Oklahoma now.  Wherever the world may take me now, I don't think it will be back home.  At least not yet.
• I turned 30!  At first it felt like 29, but as it sinks in, it's really pretty different.  For example, and I am NOT making this up, in the ONE WEEK since I turned 30, I have grown 5 gray hairs on my chin.  I kid you not.  They were not there in my 20s, and they are definitely there now.  Fascinating. 
• I went camping last week with a friend, Jen (not Jeni) down south of Dominical near a town called Uvita.  Had a great time on the beach and at waterfalls.  We slept in a tent with Jake on the beach (Playa Ventanas) after eating a home-grown meal at a hippie hotel in Uvita.  Very cool.  Jen has become a really close friend (BFF4E as we affectionately and childishly and redundantly say).  Jake, by the way, is still the best dog ever (BDE, as we affectionately and childishly, but not redundantly say).  
• Heading to Nicaragua tomorrow with Ashley, and REALLY looking forward to it.  Ashley needs her stamp, and after begging to go with her, she finally caved and agreed.  We're hoping the bus around noon, and plan on staying for a couple of days on Ometepe, and island comprised of two volcanoes in the middle of Lake Nicaragua.  Very cool.  
• I read Albert Camus' The Stranger, which I really enjoyed.  It's said that Camus is existentialist, which doesn't really mean much to me given that I wasn't reading him for a class, but I did find that I really enjoyed the book and the main character (Mersault), I think, shows a truly detached person who is happy and comfortable with the world around him, even in times of absolute absurdity.  I also loved his honesty, intellectually and emotionally, and his view of himself from the outside.  He accepted the consequences of his actions, and sacrificed himself in an absurd world in order to be authentic.  I actually found him a hero, and perhaps even enlightened.  He chose death over dishonesty.  He wasn't emotionless, by any means, but he didn't let his emotions, especially fears, compromise his authentic self.  It was a quick, fun, and surprisingly meaningful read for me.  Nice.  

Since getting back to Oeste, I've basically not been doing quite like I thought I would.  I have been helping out at the bar quite a bit, managing last weekend while Scott went for a passport stamp in Nicaragua, and filling in as a bartender here and there.  I've also been doing stuff a little more than I'm comfortable with these days.  I expected to be spending a lot of time alone, but find myself with friends and "out" most of the time.  I blame the transition period, and do my best not to judge myself.  I'll be alone and quiet when it's time for me to be alone and quiet.  For now, it's fun to watch myself go back and forth, up and down.  As it turns out, I'm pretty interesting when I pay attention.