Last Post

This will be my final post, at least for some time.  I find that blogging limits my freedom to be authentic, and so I'm going to stop it.  

Free Will

Don't read this if you are really interested in seeing Angels and Demons or reading the book.  This doesn't spoil the ending, but I describe a scene at the end which may ruin it for some of you.  

I finished watching the movie Angels and Demons the other day, which I downloaded from the internet to my computer and watched on this beautiful afternoon from a hammock on my porch here in Costa Rica.  At the very end, the cardinal that was in charge of the enclave says, "Thanks be to God for sending you to save our church."  Dr. Langdon replies, "You know I don't believe that he sent me."  And the cardinal says, "Oh my son, of course he did."  The newly elected pope is then shown giving Dr. Langdon a nod and before being presented to the awaiting public.  

I think what got me more than anything is the lack of appreciation shown directly to Dr. Langdon.  He was given a small gift by the cardinal, and only a nod by the new pope.  It's as if it awakened a part of me that I had lost in the past few months.  The cardinal and pope did not thank Dr. Langdon because they do not believe Dr. Langdon had a choice in the matter.  Dr. Langdon was just doing as God had determined.  And interestingly, I feel the same way - or at least have felt the same way, but have recently forgotten.  

Part of my spiritual transformation has been giving up the sense of control.  At the retreat I went to in Northern California, they have a saying that "everyone is at fault, but nobody is to blame."  Basically, it's an understanding that because a person is made up of his experiences, genetics, education, one can not give blame to that individual for any action.  Any negativity in the world is caused by something we have learned, some reaction that is not of our own making but instead some process or pattern that lives inside of us, but is not us.  If I get angry because you are late, I am at fault for my anger, but I am not to blame for my anger because it is a pattern I learned perhaps from my parents as a child when I witnessed my mother getting angry at my father for being tardy.  I was not in control in that reaction, but instead that pattern that lives in me was in control, and therefore I can not accept the blame.  

So, that's a concept that's relatively easy for me to grasp.  But can we then take credit for positives?  The cardinal and the pope both seemed to believe a human can not take credit for even extraordinary actions.  Our lives are in the hands of God, and we can not take credit for something over which we have no control.  And I agree!  I believe we are all acting as humans, through learned responses over which we don't have control, or on behalf of our spirits, which I don't see as separate or individualized.  Really, I feel our differences are human, but are spirits are all one.  Individually, therefore, we actually have no control, and therefore no blame or credit.  Blame for negativity can be given to the collective human experience, and credit for positivity can be given to the collective spirit.  

Really, this is a discussion of an individual's free will, and it also touches on responsibility, I guess.  I tend to believe that things happen the only way that they can, but I still believe in free will.  When looking backwards, it's easy to see that there was only one way possible, because the past can not be changed.  It happened in just the one way it could have.  But when looking at the present, I still have the feeling of free will.  Very strange.  

But because I look at the past and recognize that things happened the only way that they could, and tend to believe nobody is to blame or deserves credit, I find it very easy to forgive (I never really even have to as I don't really assign blame) and I have gratitude not to individuals but to the universe as a whole.  

For everyone, that is, except for myself.  I find it a lot easier to take blame and credit away from others than I find it to take away from myself.  I am struggling with decisions right now that seem enormously important, and I act as if my choice will be judged at some point in the future as good or bad - and I too will be judged based upon my choices.  And I'm pretty sure I know who that judge will be - because I have had feelings overwhelming guilt lately - judging my past actions as if they could have somehow been different than they were.  Hating myself despite the fact that I was blind.  Acting as if I know good and bad - acting like I can see clearly now.  Pain instead of compassion.  Hate instead of love.  

I guess it's time to find my way back to love. 

I'm the voice of one crying in the wilderness...

This blog started as a "Right Now," so hence the picture.  Please forgive me.  

Ahh, Sunday.  Much like Saturday.  And Friday.  All the days seem to be just the same right about now.  Surfing, reading, watching.  I feel like I'm waiting, but don't have anything to wait for.  

I've thought a lot about writing some of the things I've found interesting in the New Testament.  There's so much, though, and I certainly don't want to make this blog too much about religion or Jesus.  I'm now almost done with the four gospels.  I would say that if there are three things I have found in the Bible so far, that are that:

1. The accounts of Jesus don't show someone that is all love, forgiveness, and hope.  In fact, Jesus is frequently vengeful.  He's quoted as saying "If you're not with me, you're against me."  (Obviously I'm not quoting directly, because old English is silly, kinda like England English today.  Just silly.)  He tells his disciples at one point to shake the dust off of their shoes when leaving towns that don't accept them as a sign for Jesus to send them to hell when he returns.  In a couple of the gospels, he's quoted as saying "How long must I suffer thee?"  Another - "I come not to send peace, but a sword."  Sheesh!  Throughout all of the gospels, people fear Jesus and God, even when he has saved a life or cured blindness.  Don't get me wrong, I am sure that he is far more compassionate than the vast majority in his time (in John they try to stone him at least twice without any type of trial).  He has some wonderful loving things to say.  But he still preaches fear and hatred as a stick behind the carrot of heaven.  "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me."  Of course, followed a few pages later with "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."  Confusing, right?  
2. It's incredibly inconsistent.  Not just between gospels, but actually within them.  For example, in just Luke, Jesus is quoted as saying both "If you're not with me, you're against me" AND "If you're not against me, you're with me."  Two totally different positions, one far more compassionate and inclusive than the other.  When Jesus dies on the cross, it's written that he either cries out asking God why God has forsaken him (yeah, amazing, right?), or instead cries out asking God to take him.  I think one can find some good morals of the story in the gospels, but I find it really hard to base one's life morality on such contradictions.   
3. Jesus has some really bad parables.  Some are REALLY bad.  He says he uses parables so that the blind can see.  While his disciples may be able to understand his direct speech, parables help those who don't have the ability to understand like his disciples.  I actually dig this - it's as if they're meant to get around the intellect and into the subconscious.  Oddly, though, after almost every parable, Jesus has to explain the parable to his disciples.  And some of them flat out don't make sense.  On the other hand, one in particular struck me - A householder hires some men, and agrees to pay them a penny for a day's work.  Throughout the day, he continues to hire men, still agreeing to pay them a penny to work for that day.  At the end of the day, the people hired first in the morning are upset because the people that were hired later in the day received the same amount of compensation despite not working as long as those that started in the morning.  The householder's response is perfect: "Is thine eye evil, because I am good?" It definitely beats the parable about throwing seeds to the wayside, on a rock, in thorns, and on good ground, which doesn't help illustrate a point at all and makes you wonder why he didn't just say what he meant in the first place.   

Wow, I find myself going back and adding more and more.  Maybe I should dedicate a blog to the Bible.  Or write a book about it.  Nobody's ever done that.  I guess what I am finding is that Jesus was far from perfect.  He was a man, whether the son of God or not.  That's one of the things my mom loves about Jesus, and I guess we all have to accept.  In the end, I guess we're all human.  

In the end, there are some wonderful parts of the Bible.  John has definitely been my favorite of the gospel writers, as he has a very poetic way of following the story, and he also shows a more human side of Jesus in his friendship with Lazarus, Martha, and Mary.  He's also got a great sense of humor, like when one future disciple asks "Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?" when he first hears that the Son of God has come from Nazareth.  I feel the same about Texas.  Jesus even jokes around with Nathanael when Nathanael first believes Jesus is the Son of God simply because Jesus saw Nathanael under a fig tree at one point.  There are some beautiful quotes, such as: 

• "No prophet is accepted in his own country."
  
• "For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself."
• Oh, this isn't really a great quote, but I find it really funny.  Any time someone seeks revenge on someone else, regret of that person comes in the form of "weeping and gnashing teeth."  It's all over the gospels.  
• "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."
• "I am the voice of one crying in the wilderness."  AWESOME, right?  Obviously that's from John.  I want to write a book and entitle it that.  I am going to go move to a cabin in the woods somewhere and do that now.  MAN, I love that quote.  
• "The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is everyone that is born of the Spirit."  

I just wrote a long paragraph about being directionless and still searching for meaning, but erased it.  I am just using words that make it seem like I am lost, and so I'm believing I am lost. Really, I'm just not inclined to move in a certain direction today.  Here is just fine.  My mind is trying to figure shit out.  It's trying to figure out what is best for me, when it doesn't have any way of every knowing.  It needs to chill.  I'm missing home (the Oklahoma one) a lot.  I'm missing Kris a lot.  And those emotions are making it harder on my mind to step back and concern itself with the execution, not with the policy.  I need to chill.  Pressure certainly won't get me anywhere.  I hear the sound, but can't tell from where it comes, or where it goes.  

In any event, I'm excited as hell to go home in a couple of weeks.  I can't wait to see Megan with her big ole belly.  I'm really looking forward to seeing Ryan and spending more time with him while he still looks like a peanut (does he?).  Family, friends, even Neil.  I'm a little nervous about seeing Kris, too, who I guess I'll see at the wedding.  Actually, I'm really excited about it.  Not sure if she'll want to chat or even say hi, but I hope so.  If not, that's okay too.  I guess.  I'm looking forward to taking Aaron on in Golden Tee.  And having a scotch with Terry.  And maybe dinner at Mamasita's with Douggie.  Wonder if I'll get the chance to watch the Sooners with sooner fans for the first time in, geez, a year?  

And then?  Who knows.  Maybe I'll head off to the wilderness for a month or many and write a book, or just watch my thoughts.  Maybe I'll find a way to travel to Africa.  Maybe I'll come back to my family in Costa.  Maybe I'll find that it's time for the mountains.  Or maybe it's time to spend some time at home and suck on some candy canes in December.  

For now though, I'm loving the waves on the longest vacation of my life.  It's hard to feel sorry for myself when I'm surrounded by such beauty - flowers, sun, beach, ocean, amazing people, Jake, sunsets.  It's all wonderful.  

Weeping and gnashing teeth.  Ha!

10 Days in Review

As my mom has probably noticed (and Kent too, who I haven't heard from in YEARS), I haven't blogged in a while.  So, like cheesy 80's movies - such as Rocky - I am going to do a montage to catch us all up.  

Okay, got home.  Check.  

Interlude - the loudest cricket EVER is doing his thing right now.  Seriously, it's deafening.  Sorry, you're probably not interested.  

Right, so got home.  Nothing happened.  I found myself surfing, reading the Bible, and watching US Open tennis.  I'm living with a guy who seems to always be watching tennis.  And so when I am not surfing or reading, I find myself watching tennis.  And I get into it sometimes.  There's a really cute girl who's name starts with W that is doing well.  That's my US Open tennis update.  

Okay, the Full Moon Party happened.  My friend, Lee, who watches tennis, DJ'd the party, and was absolutely awesome.  Had oldschool turntables, played a very eclectic mix ranging from funk to, well, something a long way away from funk.  It was super fun.  And I don't want to tell on the town or anything, but someone showed up with a bunch of mushroom tea, and a good portion of the town had a least a few gulps.  Of course, I didn't.  But, I did end up in a pink wig, wearing a dress, going commando, while dancing behind (and on - yeah) the bar.  But I repeat, I did not have any mushroom tea.  Here's a pic of Jenny spinning some fire, one of three roommates at the turntables, and a picture for your enjoyment and future blackmail or extortion if I decide to run for office. 

Okay, other things: Scott, Randall, Sean, Shilka, and I watched Costa Rica lose to freaking some team in blue the other day in the World Cup qualifiers.  While the game doesn't mean a whole lot to me personally, and I generally don't like watching a lot of soccer, we had an absolute blast (at least until the freaking blue team scored in the 90th minute).  It's fun when you decide to just go all out in cheering.  Here's a pic of us having fun.  

Jeni's gone again.  That's sad for me, but she'll be back in a few months.  It's kinda strange just not having her around, as she was kinda my go to friend to do pretty much anything.  I'm very much getting used to people coming and going.  There are actually very few people in town these days.  

I bought a new board!  Down to a 6'4"!  Which is strange, because I am actually considering going back to Oklahoma for an extended period to regroup.  We'll see.  

There's a great surf tournament going on in Oeste this weekend!  Gilbert Brown, Jason Torres, and our hometown hero Cali are all competing, as are some good amateur friends that are just enjoying the waves and surfing with these guys that you have probably never heard of.  Today was absolutely beautiful.  Jake and I spent most of the day watching the competition, hoping to catch some waves late, but never got around to it.  

Oh, yesterday though, Jake beat the break and swam around our boards for an hour as Pat, Brett, and I surfed some nice waves out front.  Every 20 minutes or so I invited Jake to take a break and climb on my board with me (I borrowed a longboard).  I'll need a special board, but Jake will surf within the next two weeks.  Mark my words.  Here's a picture of Jake at the tournament today, so you all know he's still alive.  

I'm ridiculously tan.  Nobody has ever been tanner than me.  All of the ticos look yellow next to me.  Two months of vacation in Costa Rica does this to people.  Oh, and I don't think I have swine flu.  It seems it's just a coincidence.  Or is it?

Okay, that's all I got now.  There's some US Open tennis on that requires my attention.  Has anyone seen my razor?  

Do I Have Swine Flu?

Umm, so, the President of Costa Rica got swine flu just before I left for Colombia.  The President of Colombia got swine flu just before I left Colombia.  And NOW, after just leaving Ecuador, the Head of Security for the President of Ecuador has died of H1N1.  

Sheesh.

Relying on Intuition

A friend of mine, Erik, who went to the same retreat as I several years before me writes a daily quote on his facebook account from his home in Aspen.  They pop up on my wall, and I read them from time to time.  Anyway, today's I really liked.  It's the concept I have been trying to express for the past year and a half since I decided to start making decisions not from an intellectual position, but instead from my spirit.  Anyway, here's the quote:

 "Whenever we need to make a very important decision, it is best to trust to impulse, to passion, because reason usually tries to remove us from our dream, saying that the time is not yet right. Reason is afraid of defeat, but intuition enjoys life and its challenges." - Paulo Coelho

Coelho, of course, wrote The Alchemist, which is a book I have written about here several times.  How much easier it seems for us to make intellectual decisions than face our fears and make intuitive decisions that may at first seem irrational.  If you are unable to trust your intuition, and need a rational reason to do so, read Blink.  Our intuition is so much smarter than our intellect, and takes into account so much more than our conscious minds ever could.  Use your intellect, body, and emotions to gather all of the information you can before making a decision, but then rely on your intuition to make the decision, and your use your intellect only to execute.    

By the way, another quote from Erik's wall:

"Surrender is faith that the power of love can accomplish anything... even when you can not foresee the outcome." - Deepak Chopra

Vago

WARNING: THIS GETS PREACHY.  

So, I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few days ago in Peru.  I just like saying that.  A few days ago, in Peru, I was talking to this friend... Anyway, Marion accused me of being lazy.  And, of course, I am.  So she's spot on.  But it got me thinking about this term that we use, and the ways in which we use it.  

Dictionary.com defines lazy as "adverse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion."  Don't you love the word "disinclined," by the way?  But back to lazy.  Marion was accusing me of being lazy because I don't want to get a job.  I would prefer to not have a job.  Which isn't really true, though.  I would love to have someone pay me - it's really just that I don't want to do things outside of what I want to do to make that money.  And so, really, I just don't want to do things that I don't want to do.  When Marion met me, I was actually doing a lot!  I was traveling throughout South America.  In the days we spent together I went for several swims, I played a lot of ping pong, I got up one morning at 6:30 to catch some early waves and have a two session day, I ate ceviche for breakfast and bought fruits I'd never had to make juice, I had new and unique conversations with perfect strangers about laziness.  And yet I was being accused of being lazy because I don't have a job!  

And I've noticed this everywhere, really.  If you're not doing something you don't want to do - you're lazy!  How backwards are we?  Instead of aspiring to do only what we want to do, and commending those that have reached that stage for whatever reason, we use a derogatory term to refer to those that get to do what they want to do, and we compliment those that neglect themselves in order to make money or keep their status quo.  

So, as I sit here in beautiful Costa Rica, jobless, eating some canned pork and beans for breakfast, thinking about going for a late morning surf session after I make some travel arrangements to fly back to my home state to see the most wonderful people in the world (not you Neil), I have decided to change our use of the word lazy.  From now on, anyone who is disinclined to follow what they really want to do because they are too afraid of getting outside of their comfortable little work-sleep box I will call lazy.  And for those of you that are out there, doing the things that they have always wanted to do, taking opportunities and truly seizing the day, I will commend you.  Stop reading other people's blogs, following news stories about other people, or facebook stalking an ex-boyfriend.  Go live your life!  

I don't mean that you're lazy if you get paid - of course not!  You're not even lazy if you get paid doing something you don't want to do.  But you're a lazy SOB if you are neglecting yourself because you don't want to exert the energy after work to find a sailboat for a sunset cruise, or if you're too afraid of what your friends would think if you got up to dance, or if you're too afraid of rejection to even introduce yourself to that guy at the other end of the bar.  Snap out of it.  Don't turn on that TV tonight.  Go home and make a delicious dinner for you and your wife.  And pick up some flowers on the way.  When you feel like you should do something, do it.  Stop procrastinating.  Just go do it.  Pick up some paint and throw it on a wall or on a canvass.  Stop waiting to live your life.  Live it now.    

That got a little preachy for a Tuesday morning.  I think I'll put on some pants and make myself a smoothie to wash down those beans.  That's what I really want to do right now.  

Las Lajas

So, the virgin Mary appeared on a sheer rock canyon face a couple hundred feet above the river below near the town of Ipiales, Colombia.  And the Catholic church decided to commemorate the apparition with an absolutely beautiful church, built right on the sheer rock wall.  And they called it Las Lajas, which literally translated means The Lajas.  

The place is stunning.  Breathtaking, really.  I visited it while waiting for the bus in Ipiales (it's only about 10km away).  A particularly interesting part of the church is that the rock faces surrounding the church are filled with hundred of plaques giving thanks to Mary from families all around Colombia and Ecuador.  I took a lot of pictures at first, but then just went in and, well, prayed.  Not really to anyone, but just did a check in, and kinda talked to myself.  And I actually felt very peaceful.  And here's where I get strange - so brace yourself. 

At the retreat I went to in Northern California, we did a lot of visualizations.  In many of our visualizations, we visualize a certain previously unknown person who is our "spiritual guide," who helps us stay on our spiritual paths.  Each person visualizes his spiritual guide differently, and nobody actively chooses how to visualize his spiritual guide.  The guide just kinda comes to us.  It's been over a year and a half since the retreat, and so I know how strange this sounds to people, but this visioning helps enormously in my ability myself and be authentic.  My spiritual guide, for example, is named Emily, and looks a lot like the Liv Tyler playing the elven princess in the Lord of the Rings.  Again, I didn't choose this, she's just who came.  In my visualizations, I frequently ask her questions, ask for her help, or just listen to her and what she has to say.  I bet Liv would find that strange.  I think I may have just lost a lot of friends by sharing this, but anyway... 

While in the Lajas cathedral, I went into a visualization, and to my surprise, my spiritual guide came to me appearing as Mary.  And it was really interesting to me how similar Mary was to Emily.  Almost identical, actually.  Now, I don't believe in the Christian god, nor do I believe Jesus was any more a son of god than I am.  But there was something very soothing about Mary.  In her appearance to me, and in the images of her throughout the world, Mary is very much the personification of love.  In the statues around the church and the painting above the alter, Mary always has the look of compassion, understanding, and acceptance.  The same that has been provided to me by Emily.  And I felt at peace, there in the church dedicated to Mary, as Mary approached in place of my spiritual guide. 

Doesn't she kind resemble the virgin Mary?

And I now better understand the thousands of plaques giving thanks to Mary.  I guess to millions of Christians around the world, Mary is much like my Emily - a source of unconditional love and a guide to stay on that path of love.  And for me, Mary's very much become the same - her image now serving as a reminder to me of that compassion and acceptance which I so often lose connection with.  

Thank God only my mother reads this blog.