Just opened the bar. And I'm at the bar. Surprise. Waiting for the tide to come in a bit more, hoping for some surf. I have not surfed hardly at all in the past two weeks. Not sure what's going on there. But it's time to change.
I'm feeling okay. I had a great dinner and drinks with a good friend and coworker last night, Pepper. We ate at Karen's (Almendros), which is absolutely delicious. We talked about everything from love to love. She's on a mission to move to Australia to be with her boyfriend, Oz, who is in the process of moving there now (he's in New York for a week or two stop before heading down).
We talked about my direction too. I told her how I always have this feeling of wanting to move back to Oklahoma, but it's never now. It's always in a few months that I feel I want to move back. I wonder if it will ever be now when I move back. Pepper is of the opinion (although neither of us like that word) that I should absolutely not move back. "Keep moving forward. You're bigger than Oklahoma." Not that she has anything against Oklahoma, at all. I think she is of the opinion that I am somehow destined to do more, or at least something different, than have a job, a house, a car, a family, and Friday night dinners at Applebee's.
But here's the thing: I've always been a homebody (albeit my life experience and considerable travel suggest otherwise). When I went to college, I would come home to Oklahoma on my Spring Breaks, not down to Cancun for a two week bender. On the trips to Europe or Africa or Colorado, the best part was always coming home, to Oklahoma. Oklahoma is comfortable. And when I'm away from Oklahoma, I'm literally uncomfortable. Always. Not surprisingly, the one thing that I center my focus on when considering what I miss the most living in Costa Rica is curling up with a nice, thick, soft, smooth faux-down comforter.
Hanging on Neil and Megan's couch, whether they're there or not. Sitting around a chiminea on cool nights, crashing at Terry's when I've had too much to drink, holding my girlfriend as I fall asleep in my clean, open, air-conditioned room. Dog parks, foosball, tippy-cup, office, computer, cell phone, car, weekends, lakes, Mamasita's with Doug, Ranch Party Weekends, horseshoes, televisions, movie theaters, hookers, sweaters, baseball, golf, sailing. That's comfortable. (You might have noticed one didn't seem to fit. And it doesn't. I hardly ever went to the movie theater.)
So, but those are all external comforts, of course. I don't think I've reached that comfort that follows me wherever I am. And perhaps it's because I can't rid myself of external comforts. I'll never rid myself of support. Sure, I'm more comfortable at home in Oklahoma, but I am comfortable here. While I thought I didn't have anything when I moved down, it turns out I had everything. I moved here with a thousand bucks and a job. And my education, personality, intellect, hands. And I moved to a place with people, and any time I'm around people, I'll be able to make it out alright. I'll have places to stay, ways to make money and get food. And even if I get away from people, and have no food and no money, I'm always just a phone call away from getting a flight back to home. And so I'll always have support. I'll never be able to have nothing. I'll always have external comfort.
I guess having external comforts doesn't stop a person from being comfortable simply with one's self. It can't... there will always be some external comforts. We can't be alone in this world, we can't be without food. We can always seek solitude and fast, but that doesn't mean that people and food aren't available to us. And that's a comfort.
So, do I follow now what is comfortable, or do I do I keep going forward (here in Oeste, or somewhere else), perhaps until I am comfortable with myself? Perhaps there is a middle way.
And that's enough for now. I'm going to go surf. The waves are shitty, but I need to get out there (this isn't Russia, Danny). Solstice is today (a surf competition in Hermosa). Perhaps I'll try to swing by that. I haven't felt like doing anything lately. And I find myself feeling the same way right now. Oh well.
So, here is what I think. Correct me if I am wrong. To me it sounds like your not happy where you are and what you are doing as of this moment. Or its not that your unhappy but it is that you feel a need to change. I say change if you feel it. I did, as you know. At first it was a different experience being afraid of the urban lifestyle and getting back into 'things'. But after being here I realize that they are just things, it doesn't change who you are and who you are will not change with your surrounding. Dont be afriad of the change of lifestyle. I feel that moving back was a great decision for me because I am closer to family and I value them very much in my life. I love both places tremendously. I could live in both. But I think you just have to figure out what you really want.
ReplyDeleteSo my suggestion to you would be to make a list of the good and bad things about both choices. After you make the list see which one seems like a better choice and then after you do that. Think about how you feel about that one coming out as the better choice. Than follow what you feel. As you told me, you can be happy anywhere.
I this helps! :)
Tell your brother congratulations! Perhaps Ryan & Chaz will find each other at a random coffee shop in 16-18ish years… I am really glad to hear that you are going to make it back to Oklahoma. There is this Jason Boland song that comes to mind that says,” If I ever make it back to Oklahoma, I’m gonna nail my feet to the ground.” I’ll tell Neil that I have a hammer… So, I got a new Cell phone # from Dell, and Neil has it, so when you get done making the rounds with all the must see people, give me a ring! I actually have my old cell phone (that is not being used at all if you need/want a loner while you are in OK). Perhaps even crash a v-ball game? I know that you are going to be pretty busy, so if you don’t get a chance, I will understand. Just keep me in mind. :)
ReplyDelete-Ricky
Miss your face! Everything will turn out right.
ReplyDelete