I'm sitting in Jorge's office in La Mesa, Colombia - about an hour drive west of Bogota. I'm well rested after getting a long night sleep last night, but feeling a little uneasy. Maybe it's because of a vicious mosquito attack last night (it was two against one). I think right now I am wrestling between improving my future and enjoying today. And in more than one way.
The job I am scoping here, for example, would be a hell of an experience. I would be doing business in Colombia, which is something relatively unique for an Oklahoman. I would continue to improve my Spanish. I would be doing something "grown up" in an industry I know very little about. It would be a great resume boost.
But on the other hand, although La Mesa is beautiful, and I actually really enjoy this type of town, there isn't a whole lot here that interests me. No surfing, no tourists from around the world - basically a life similar to one might have in a small town Oklahoma, only without being able to drink the water, people that speak in a different language ----
11:47 AM - Just had lunch with Jorge. But I'll get back to what I was saying before. Basically, I think I'd grow as a person here, but I would grow as a spirit better somewhere else. That's a silly way of putting it, I know, but it's the way it feels. Now I know my mom would ask why can't I do both? Or she would say that it's not about the place, it's about me, and I can be myself and grow as a spirit anywhere I am. And theoretically, she's right. But I'm still not there yet. I think it's still easier for me to... Wow. First, wow, this is a train of thought blog. Second, wow, I think I know what's best for me again.
I'm reading the Celestine Prophecy for the first time these days, and the "First Insight" of the "Manuscript" that predicts the spiritualization of human beings at the end of the 21st century is awareness of coincidences - the feeling that something else might be guiding us in a certain direction. I find it similar to the signs that the boy in The Alchemist kept looking for. In both novels, the characters drop rationalization and intellectualization for this mystical guidance. And in a way, it's exactly what I have done when going with my gut feeling. It's taking away the conscious mind, and, in a way, having faith in something we don't understand. I tend to think of signs and coincidences as they are portrayed in these novels not as some alternate force in the universe, but as a language spoken by our spirits that is recognized by our intellects. But perhaps they are both. Perhaps our spirits and this alternate energy are one and the same. Maybe it doesn't matter.
And so soon I will be faced with a decision - move to Colombia or stay in Costa - or move to Oklahoma or travel to Nepal - or God knows what. Oddly, all of the signs and some coincidences seem to point to Colombia. I've always had some strange fascination with this country. I know a good amount of Spanish. Pepper's boyfriend's grandmother lives here. My passport says I was freaking born here! Yellow fever may make me stay a few extra days. But it doesn't feel right, does it? Or am I just expecting something different right now? Am I expecting the signs to point towards a less human experience right now? And so perhaps the off feeling is really just my intellect not believing the signs. Maybe the signs are telling me just to stick around for a few weeks.
Great, so now I'm really in an intellectual rut. And I believe it's all just my intellect trying to steer myself in a certain direction. I don't trust myself or the world. And that's pretty sad. I don't trust myself at all these days.
All told, though, I'm pretty happy. I have awesome options. I'm in a small office in Colombia, experiencing stuff I never had before. I feel a lot of love these days, both internal and external. Overall, a pretty good life. And I guess this struggle is the struggle I am meant to go through right now. And I'm interested to see how it will turn out. I'm interested to see what decision I'll make. I bet it will be the only one I can.
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