Recent Life, Guilt, Negativity

So I grew a Fu Manchu.  Cool.  There's a country song "Great Day to Be Alive,"  and has a line in it that says "Might even grow me a Fu Manchu."  I like the song.  And now I am one.  It doesn't look particularly good, but it's what I got.  

Let's see... What's been going on?  Ariel's going away party was last week.  Love that girl.  She's lived here pretty much her whole life, and now going to Canada for university.  Here's a pic of us at her party.  

Had another sweet Monday night.  Jeni, Scott, and Oz came and joined me and Pepper for some after-hours ridiculousness.  Here's a pic.  I love those nights, but have definitely been having too many of them.  I'm drinking way too much these days.  Not sure what that is all about, but I think I'll stop today.

My shoulder is still pretty out of whack, and doesn't seem to be getting any better.  So I've started surfing again.  If it's not going to get any better, I might as well get on with life.  And maybe the surfing will help.   

It's hard to concentrate.  Ingrid is sitting next to me coloring her Winnie the Pooh coloring book and writing my name in colored Winnie the Pooh pens.  She's 20.  

Word on the street is that a Maine justice decided to allow the lawyers of the people suing me to serve me via email.  Which likely puts me in the case.  Which just is.  I still find it all fascinating and amusing.  

So, I finally finished Tolle's "A New Earth."  He lost me towards the middle with a very long discussion of the pain-body, but once I finally got through it, I found the rest of Tolle EXTREMELY good and true.  Certain meditations I find enormously beneficial in getting out of my mind all the time.  He at one time asks the reader to try, as often as possible, to pay attention to his breathing... the inhaling and exhaling, the rise and expansion of the chest followed by the retreat.  I find it centers me in the present, while feeling and paying attention the energy in every part of my body helps me to connect myself to the world around me as I observe it, and quiets the incessant labeling and narrative in my head.  

I also loved his concept of purpose.  He says our first purpose is our inner purpose of awakening.  Following this purpose is our outer primary purpose, which is whatever we are doing right now.  This second.  For example, my primary purpose right now is writing this blog.  Being in the present is the only way in which we can combine our outer and inner purposes.  Using the present as our primary purpose is the only way it can be connected with our consciousness and be separated from our ego.  In a way, it doesn't matter at all what we do, but as long as we remain in the present, what we do is what is meant to be done.  For me, I would say that whatever happens is exactly what is meant to happen.  At least, it's only what could have happened.  

I started reading a book by Byron Katie.  The second paragraph of the introduction I find absolutely perfect.  "In my experience, confusion is the only suffering.  Confusion is when you argue with what is.  When you're perfectly clear, what is is what you want.  So when you want something that's different from what is, you can know that you're very confused."  I find myself less and less confused.  Which is nice.  And I'm still laughing more. 

On one last note, I was speaking to a close friend the other day about the past and about feeling guilty.  One of the authors I've been reading said at one point that there is no use in worrying about something you can do something about.  Just do something about it.  And there is no use in worrying about something over which you have no control, because you can't do anything about it.  So really, there is never any place to worry.  In somewhat of an analogy, there isn't really a place for shame or guilt, either.  As soon as one feels shame or guilt about a past action, that person is no longer the person who did the action in the past.  That person has become overcome with a new awareness of the situation and of himself.  As soon as that awareness comes in, that person ceases to be the same person who did the thing about which he is ashamed.  For me, though, shame and guilt don't have a place for another reason.  I am always doing exactly as I can do.  I am becoming more and more aware, but I am never more aware than I am.  I can only do as good as I am.  And that's it.  As I become more aware, I do look back and see that I may have done some things out of unawareness that were harmful, but I would not have done them had I been aware at the time.  I find I apply it to everyone.  Forgiveness is easy when you recognize that negative actions are simply caused by unawareness.  Honestly, instead of blame, I find compassion for the unaware.  I find compassion for myself in my unawareness.  It's much more productive than blaming everyone.  

Many of the authors I've been reading agree that all negativity is caused by unawareness.  I think I've actually found that there is no negativity in the world.  There are no bad things, no bad actions, no judgement anything really at all.  Taking everything in the infinite universe together, it all just is.  It's unawareness that causes us to view them as bad.  It's our ego that places judgement because we can't view it all.  We see an infinitesimally small portion of the whole, and on that tiny close in view, we label based upon our particular line of thinking of how things should be.  No, I don't think unawareness causes bad, I think unawareness causes us to think things are bad.  Except Neil.  He's actually bad.