I am most definitely addicted to alcohol. I'd say most of the world is (around here anyway). I don't mean necessarily a chemical addiction, but more of a intellectual and emotional addiction. Last night, I worked a good portion of the night without having a drink, and I had a blast. I wasn't consciously choosing not to drink, I just, well, didn't have the time (thanks to all you other crazy Oesteans). But sometime around 10:00 or so, I started drinking, and continued until after close. I find myself wanting a drink virtually every day, especially as people come in and have a few cocktails themselves. And here's the thing... I don't know why. And that may be best right now. Here's why.
I'm now reading Malcolm Gladwell's Blink, which was originally given to me by a good friend with whom I worked back in Oklahoma. Thanks Hugh. I'm about 100 pages into it, and have surmised this much from his conglomeration of scientific and anecdotal studies... Gladwell argues that a) our subconscious knows far more than we give it credit; b) our subconscious split-second decisions can be as good as or better than intellectualized decisions; and c) our subconscious "computer" is constantly influencing us in ways that we know nothing about. He's got a lot more, but this is what I have found so far. He's very convincing, by the way. I bring this up for two reasons.
First, Gladwell argues that for us to say we know why we are acting in some way is really very difficult, and usually we're wrong. Our subconscious is so powerful and so unknown to us, that we may THINK we're making a decision for one reason or another, when in fact our subconscious has given us the decision, and then another part of our subconscious has filled in a reason that has nothing to do with the reason our subconscious had for making that decision. It's as if we have two minds in the case... Sub A, which makes honest decisions based upon what we know and have experienced, and then Sub B, which provides a false reason to make it palatable to our ego when it reaches a conscious stage. For example, I might choose not to hire a black person, and give a stated reason that he was too shy or not outgoing enough, totally believing that this is the reason I have decided not to hire him. In fact, it may be the case that I have chosen not to hire him because my experiences have lead my Sub A to be prejudicial to black people, but my ego doesn't view me as a racially prejudiced person, and so Sub B kicks in and creates a reason that is palatable to my ego, allowing it to feel good about itself and keep on living strong and happy. Thus, not only do I not know the reason for my decision, but I don't even KNOW that I don't know the reason. (Subnote: Isn't it strange that we always capitalize the word "I"?)
So, first thing, we don't know why we do what we do. We just do. And yet de Mello and Tolle and Hoffman and virtually everyone else who writes about ancient wisdom preaches awareness. And yet how little we can be aware it seems. But maybe that's just it, practice. Becoming more and more aware.
When I started reading Blink, I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable. Even before he got to his argument about how little we really know about our decisions, I felt uneasy because it started to occur to me how little I know about the decisions I am making. If I let go of needing a rational explanation for my decisions, am I just letting my programming off the hook for even coming up with a rational explanation? Am I just feeding the computer, without checks and balances? Really, I'm just getting rid of Sub B, and now Sub A can just make decisions as it pleases, without even needing it to be within a realm of rationality that Sub B can make up.
I don't know.
Perhaps by first letting go of what we think we know, and saying "I don't know" a little more, we actually do get rid of Sub B. Maybe that's the first step in breaking down the chain of lies within our own bodies. Perhaps saying "I don't know," and being okay with that allows us to get a step closer to Sub A, which is the root of our programming. What felt most uncomfortable, of course, when I started to read Blink, was that it gave rise to the question of who was really driving. Is it my spiritual self when I look inward for decisions, or is it another unknown computer trying to convince me that it is authentic? Here's the answer I have come up with so far: I don't know. Goodbye Sub B.
I wrote all of that a few hours ago, and had a wonderful conversation with two friends over dinner tonight that I feel helped me shed some light and gave me some new understanding of my condition. But now I'm tired and have a 5:30 appointment in the morning with a friend and some waves in Bejuco, so I'll save it for tomorrow. Just a preview to remind me tomorrow: Purpose in life, good vs. bad, human experience suffering, observer of (physical?) pain, fear of unhappiness, shadowing myself. And some things I want to spend some time on in the future: drifting off to sleep and dreams.
By the way, I just finished the staff meeting that I wrote about a while ago. It didn't happen. Two employees didn't show up, one of which seemed to be the one with the most concerns. Hrmm. Pepper, Shane, and I had a nice chat after Ingrid and Randall left after waiting for the others to show up for about 20 minutes. Okay.
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